You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?
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My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”
-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room