Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.

[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys

Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.

love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target

I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children

News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.

But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.

People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!

Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name

Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?

Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog

When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.

Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?

College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?

[god creating jellyfish]

how bout an evil bag

asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu

You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.

me: let’s circle back around and touch base

baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it

Not now. I’m deglazing.

anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ

Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose

notice

“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”

an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard

I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.

Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.

This elevator skit is so incredibly simple

And I think that’s what makes it perfect.

[hiding under bed from murderer]

cellmate: I know you’re there

I thought Hogwarts was in Orlando and that’s why they have those accents.

The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check

Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt