You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?
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I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.
Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.