You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?
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“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
how to have fun when you’re poor
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
