You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
You Might Also Like
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”