You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
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me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
My 4yo screamed at the top of his lungs at 6:45am this morning, we are staying at my in laws, so I said “I’m not sure everyone likes it when you scream like that.” Then, from the other side of the room, my 18mo who last week could barely say 10 words, “Winnie like it”
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Life is a suicide mission.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.