you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
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Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?