You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
You Might Also Like
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Go girl power!
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
this is the best day of my life
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer