You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
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Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
My 3y/o is the only girl at her small daycare. I was thrilled when she started talking about her new friend Piper and how much they loved to play. Every day for months: Piper this, Piper that.
Finally I asked the daycare lady about maybe scheduling a playdate.
Piper is a cat.
Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.