Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired

Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?

Ex Girlfriend:…

If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.

Please don’t feed the Kardashians.

When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?

…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda

If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo

“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.

COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.

Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*

Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying

Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home

[Career Day]

Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.

Kids: *raise hands*

Me: I won’t be taking any questions.

me: i hate my job

gf: why don’t you try living off the land

me: like in the sky?

gf: what

me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long

Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside

Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.

Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.

motivation

THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What

My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”

This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.

This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”

*Turns on work computer*

*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*

*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*

[texting]

me: touching my duck n thinking of you

her: gross, go to hell

me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it

Scavenger Hunt Party

Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.

“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”

*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*

Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.

Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.

I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.

My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.

Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.

Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something

My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.

Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?