Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.

You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.

I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.

On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.

Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.

Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve

Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.

Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…

I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it

Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.

Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?

“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*

I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.

wife: the turn was back there

me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much

wife: my name is karen

me: ughh this is different, karen

Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.

She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.

When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂

If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣

is this meant to deter me

It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.

Killer: come out come out wherever you are

Me: *hiding*

Killer: omg what a cute puppy!

Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man

genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you

[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.

If you love someone, let them tweet.

“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.

Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow

My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”

Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”

AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”

Me: there there. No need for ugly crying

Him: I’m not crying