you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
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Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.