you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
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We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Geez man, take it easy.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED