You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
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Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Are we there yet?…
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale