You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
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Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
blocked him on everything and he shared a google doc with me😭
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]