You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
You Might Also Like
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
The journey of a thousand miles begins with stealing your neighbor’s car
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
