You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
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[in court during a murder trial]
hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG
me: right here
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.