You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
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The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Look Ma, no handle on things
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now
just got off an incredibly depressing and frustrating phone call with my evil health insurance company who actively wants me to die, time to take a big sip of coffee and check the news
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
“We ride at dawn”
Me headed to the grocery on Thanksgiving eve
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming