Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”

Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that

me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize

me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900

serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death

me: so you’re gonna let me live

I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.

[me on Ellen}

Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions

Me: that’s right Ellen

There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.

throwin a party tonight

goths $5
furries $5

raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both

*weather drops 2 degrees*

me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas

It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago

I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable

I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat

My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.

My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets

I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!

Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.

Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering

Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet

At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?

Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs

Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason

Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.

Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.

Me: Can I get a sick note?

Doctor: Here u go.

Me:

Note: *coughs*

Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.

Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?

“…just don’t tell your mother.”

Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.

stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.

3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!

Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower

If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history

Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.