You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
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Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
“plenty of fish in the sea” im literally captain ahab if i don’t get this one specific one after years of hunting i will blow my brains out
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
i smell a pulitzer
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam