You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
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My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Who could have predicted that allowing a a handful of billionaires to control the entire global communications system might turn out to be slightly problematic.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom