You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.
(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)
(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)
(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)
You Might Also Like
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up
Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…MUST BE FREE!
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker
How software testing works
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.