You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.
(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)
(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)
(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)
You Might Also Like
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
God making man in his image was the original selfie
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
yes, national anxiety is high, but at least it also gets dark at 4pm
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
diva inflation rises at an alarming rate
g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener