You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.
(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)
(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)
(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)
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She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
It’s too funny that Michael Chiklis signed on to do Gotham in a relatively straightforward role and then a year later they had him looking like Furiosa
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
I told my vodka about you.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
I’ve had worse
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.