You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.
(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)
(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)
(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)
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Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in hereMe: *pausing microwave
What?
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker