You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
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I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Sponch
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.