You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
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[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Jogging
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
me adding lol on a serious message
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵