You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
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Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Guy at the airport bar is hitting on my gf directly next to me and i can finally watch youtube videos with both headphones on now that shes occupied
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
