You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
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The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Wait a minute…
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Welcome to the stomach
when dads have a rap battle
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.