You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
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I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.