Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a hairdresser]

customer: can you take off a foot?

me: *sharpening axe* no problem

3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy

Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.

Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.

I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born

In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?

The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.

My boss: So… [dramatic pause]

Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?

Just put on my brand new shirt.

Now to take a big sip of coffee and check to see why Dave Grohl is trending on Twitter…

cop: got any drugs on you

me: nah

cop: how about in your car

me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately

I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.

[last supper]

judas: this could’ve been an email

Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.

“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.

They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.

Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”

My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.

You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.

Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir

Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.

Me: Ah, the elusive white penny

Cashier: That’s a button

My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…

“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.

So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN

Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.

🤝

Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake

*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead

I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.

I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.