Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.

If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga

I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around

She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.

Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69

Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy

[I die and appear in a mysterious place]

me: woah, is this heaven or hell?

guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine

me: must be heaven!

guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique

me: aw hell

My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb

Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize

Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.

Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.

[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]

ME: sorry for the hold-up

TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?

ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian

I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄

zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf

Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?

Me: I’m.

You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.

Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”

4-year-old: Can I have some floss?

Me: You’re too little

4: But I really, really need it

Me: Fine. *gives her floss*

4:*ties up Barbies*

[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*

[credits]

When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁

The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.

My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me

So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff

The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.

I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”

“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”

-if Lassie had been a cat

I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro

Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?

Me *nervous*: children

I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.