You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
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Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Autocorrect completely socks
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”