Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it

dads on road-trips be like

“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”

“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”

-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult

Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…

What if giving up is overrated?

if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.

Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing

Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?

Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.

My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship

So I said I wanted a divorce

i guess his teacher was really pissed

#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:

“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”

Chiropractor says just a few more visits and he can pay off his jet ski.

*eats a carrot*

*checks off new year’s resolution*

You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.

I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream

People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?

My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.

So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.

Then we had a duet and my point was missed.

My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.

Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.

“so she’s gay now?”

yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i mend relationships

professor boyfriend: oh wow

Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.

Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.

There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.

H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?

Me: … … … Yes.

I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.

That said, could someone please call for help?

I got startled and am stuck in a tree.

The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”

He was looking for a job and then he found a job

[Afterlife]

“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”

“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”

Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?

So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.

7’s new favorite animal is the spider.

He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.

I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.