You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
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i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Hell yeah 👍
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…