You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
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100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
channeling her this year
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
me: i need to make a follow up appointment
receptionist: ok how about 10 next tuesday
me: no i only need one