You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
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If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Top of the ramen to ya, laddies
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.
Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs
Them: I think she already named them.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Them: There are no stupid questions
Me: Is Dakota Johnson supposed to be North or South?
Them: There is one stupid question
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.