You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
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Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.