You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
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Why aren’t auto body shops called…
“Fender Bender Menders??.”
And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.
And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*