“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
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SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
The Cut is a psyop that was created so that whenever society feels extremely divided, we will receive a perfectly timed personal essay from someone so terrible, we will drop all our quarrels and come together for the purpose of cyberbullying them into oblivion.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Cucumbers Anonymous
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….