Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What you gotta buy from Target?

Her: Target will tell me when I get there

Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.

Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome

I feel seen.

According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast

If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.

We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.

My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.

Harsh but true birthday card from my parents

“Five year plan?”

[shuffles papers]

…written down here somewhere

… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper

If I apply for a job at the railroad,

will they expect me to already know how to do the job

or will they train me?

In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.

In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.

Me: What’d you do this weekend?

Her: I got a henna tattoo.

Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?

If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.

Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.

Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible

Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?

Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?

only 11 steps left

Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult

stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff

Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!

Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that

What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?

She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.

The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.

[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]

Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come

if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.

[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.

EARTH:

SUN: please dont

EARTH: 🎶you-

SUN: seriously dude come on

EARTH: 🎶spin me right round

SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round

EARTH: 🎶like a record baby

SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round

Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.