“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
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“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Getting out of bed should count as resistance training
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
being a writer on Twitter:
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
If any of you ever do a podcast about the best foods to eat in the shower, I’ll be your “expert” guest.
Dollar General is too expensive for me. I’m looking for the 50 Cent Lieutenant Colonel.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.