“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
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The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..