you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right
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i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?