you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right
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I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
#JohnTravolta
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
when robert pattinson was introduced to snapchat filters
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?