you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right
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Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks