you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right
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Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?
me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Who knew!
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.