You watch one pimple popping video, and suddenly the algorithm thinks you have a new hobby.
You Might Also Like
Liquor Store Parking
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
instagram is literally just screenshots of twitter
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon