You watch one pimple popping video, and suddenly the algorithm thinks you have a new hobby.
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“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
I don’t think Spotify knows what a genre is. Apparently I’ve been listening to “indie punk death raccoon disco” all year.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Difference between GPT-4o and o1. 😁
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you