Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.

Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..

Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.

OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE

Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.

Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same

Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis

Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?

No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning

Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁

My body is filled with a lot of blood!

next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night

Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man

Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-

Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*

man: wait

time: no

*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*

having children is a pyramid scheme.

her: I don’t feel like talking

me: uh oh, is it me?

her: not at all, I’m having a hard time

me: uh oh, what did I do?

her: no no, a family member died

me: uh oh, did I kill them?

This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.

While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.

The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?

Then:
Me: I want McDonald’s

Mom: Do you have McDonald’s money?

Now:
Mom: I want grandkids

Me: Do you have grandkids money??

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread

What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!

– a parenting memoir

HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.

[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]

Make a banana annoying.

2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.

2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.

Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.

Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus

*at a restaurant, eating burgers*

Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”

Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”

Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*

they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:

Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.

[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]

The police never think its as funny as you do.

you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea

how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”