Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.

My Mom: you just have to poop.

Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.

*steals machine parts all year*

*gets coal for xmas*

“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”

*turns coal into diamond*

shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.

Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.

*walks into hospital carrying baby*

“What’s your return policy on this thing?”

How much for the best friend?

Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.

Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you

8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment

Hello, my name is Pierre.

(team meeting)

boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?

me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.

boss:

Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*

My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3

*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country

bout dat hot dog summer

CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening

People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.

BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?

GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.

BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.

GF: [eyes narrow]

I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble

[at restaurant]

Table for two please.

“Do you have reservations?”

Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.

Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.

At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.

My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”

I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.

Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.

Gangnam style!

But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning

Went shopping for camouflage but didn’t see anything

50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo

The Sun’s probably Asian.

My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.