Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.

Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?

[School Bus Driver Interview]

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?

GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children

cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job

Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:

1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony

[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*

I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office

– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch

Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin

Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying

The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously

I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.

We’re talking about food, right?

Baking is just science you can eat.

To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.

[cat mom giving birth]

Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*

[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile

When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.

My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.

[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”

he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man

Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy

Just to piss off my kids

“Am I the only one who-?”

There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.

Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”

And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”

Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.

Teslas don’t have “New Car” smell…

They have an Elon Musk.

My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.

I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.

I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue

ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.

Me – I can’t find the sea salt.

Wife – It’s next to the paprika.

Me – No it isn’t.

(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)

This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:

Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.