Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.

he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other

Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.

Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History

I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great

[1999]

“y2k” making us anxious

[2019]

“k” making us anxious

Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.

Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”

I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.

12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.

if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie

Friday night party time 🥳

Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible

My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat

“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.

[slowly removing special glasses]

Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing

Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here

[Lois & Superman’s first date]

Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.

Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!

*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*

Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.

“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day

Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.

If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now

Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”

me: [playing musical chairs]

wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?

No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.

NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash

Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.

I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.

therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now

me: ok rank us

Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere

Burgers, she wrote.

– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.