You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.

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I always envisioned Hermione as a burly, middle-aged Italian fellow, so imagine my surprise when the films revealed her to be a little girl.


Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.

Me: It’s my guide dog.

Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…


Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.

One more Forever that didn’t last.


I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.


Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow


Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.


Her: Oh no, I’ve lost my jacket..

Me: *appears from the shadows* (whispers) you left it at the restaurant *slinks back into the shadows*


Every time the media has to report on Trump they should misspell his name and call him Mr. Turnip until he loses his mind completely