You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
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have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
tourist season
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
This made me chuckle.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.