@Guinz

You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.

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@LDLevesque

I always envisioned Hermione as a burly, middle-aged Italian fellow, so imagine my surprise when the films revealed her to be a little girl.

@stephenjmolloy

Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.

Me: It’s my guide dog.

Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…

@MehrangizC

Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.

One more Forever that didn’t last.

@Average_Dad1

I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.

@seethenare

Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow

@simoncholland

Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.

@ThaJawn

Her: Oh no, I’ve lost my jacket..

Me: *appears from the shadows* (whispers) you left it at the restaurant *slinks back into the shadows*

@Home_Halfway

Every time the media has to report on Trump they should misspell his name and call him Mr. Turnip until he loses his mind completely