“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
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When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend named Jeff. On my 8th birthday, I asked my dad if he could come to my party and he said “Jeff got arrested for stealing a horse.”
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.