-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
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“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
me logging onto twitter
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Word of the day:
Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.
Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”
As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.