-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
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Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.