You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
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I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Them: Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head.
Me: They’re right.
*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.
Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!