You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
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Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Me: *Trying to let go of the past and live in the present.*
iPhone: Here are 20 slideshows of people who ruined your life.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool