You were the one.
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Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”
Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”