You were the one.
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NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read