You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
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Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… For example, Christian:
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.