You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
You Might Also Like
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Pescatarian is a beautiful name for a baby
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Lmao 🤣
Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
My husband bought 3 bottles of fancy wine to take to my parent’s house tomorrow so anyway long story short we are bringing 1 bottle of fancy wine to my parent’s house tomorrow
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read