You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
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I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
How did we not see this back then?
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too