You when you started twitter vs. you now.
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[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
🙄😏😂🤣
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.