Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.

[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves

daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter

daniel radcliffe: hello

agent: would you like to be in a movie

daniel radcliffe: is it very strange

agent: yes

daniel radcliffe: then yes

agent: when can you get here

daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak

Me: I got a new car!

Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?

Me: It’s red.

I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah

true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”

9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night

Me: Hang on, give me a…

7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep

Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.

My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.

Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you

Me: Girl, quit while you’re ahead

I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.

This rocks

Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?

Her: don’t

Me: exuberant

Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion

“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”

Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.

Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.

THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.

If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.

I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts

* shows up with flowers

Wife: Are we going to the hospital?

I am tired of being a part of a major historical event

Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.

If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.

[starbucks]

me: can i take some wifi home with me?

barista: um. sure(?)

me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.

[At the job interview]

“Why did you leave your last job?”

“They took a vote.”

I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.

Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

Lao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT