Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?

*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*

I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.

EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]

<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>

How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.

My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.

My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up

wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale. 
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*

ME: I’m off to turn some tricks

WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’

I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?

Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?

WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

me: this is my horse mayo

friend: why did you call him that?

mayo: [neighs]

Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.

“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”

Me on my first day as a mortician

Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus

Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄

Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system

Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”

you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no

I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach

I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.

2017 – Wizard of Oz

[opening credits]

Dorothy: *opens weather app*

[end credits]

PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough

DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol

I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.

I think I need a hard boiled egg.

it’s time for some pepper spray

-me, in a crowded elevator

saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs

Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.

Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.

When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.