Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs

As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here

Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”

Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”

Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?

i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.

So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.

Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.

*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”

The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it

asking santa clause for nudes

My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.

I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.

we really living in the the most difficult section of someone’s AP gov exam in 2053

You call it Witness Protection, I call it Hide and Seek.

doing your own taxes

My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.

So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.

i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces

You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.

My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.

MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart

Email: You have a new message in MyChart

Text message: You have a new message in MyChart

Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart

The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart

I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.

kinda feel like the bridge overreacted

[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”

Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three

My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.

Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: i get everyone fired

ex professor: what wait no

Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant

my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him

“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.