“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
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Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*
*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*
Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.