Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂

I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.

[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sex

fibonacci: absolutely not

Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.

Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.

Are rhetorical questions really necessary?

9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.

Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?

9: No.

Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍

My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”

Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.

What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?

[inventing that little handle inside the car]

engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?

[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!

ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though

HER [Batman voice] thanks

Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.

Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.

Me: That’s different, that’s food.

What I say:
Play outside.

What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.

Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.

Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.

I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.

processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere

LEGAL TIP

Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”

This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies

I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.

“Don’t turn on the news”

Me as a therapist

Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?

girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height

me: yeah no need to add too much info!

girl: ok but how tall are you?

me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important

I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!

[Getting back into van after museum heist]

Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?

Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.

10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.

The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.

Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!

Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”