”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
You Might Also Like
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.