”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
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son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Nose
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks