“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
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*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
ZOOKEEPER: So this female python is our oldest snake here at the zoo
ME: *way too loud* A granaconda
ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… For example, Christian:
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do