Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up

I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here

My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.

There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.

Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.

Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.

Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.

LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories

ME: shouldn’t it have more?

Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.

If Rosanne Barr married Raymond Burr before divorcing him and going on to marry Roger Black, Meryl Streep, Derek Hough, Michelle Yeoh, Gok Wan then finally settling down with a toothed whale, her full surname would be Barr Burr Black Streep Hough Yeoh Wan Narwhal.

Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.

With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.

Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.

Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?

Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit

Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.

Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.

Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide

People: lol nah

Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.

*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo

Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.

My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.

Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.

If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.

Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.

Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???

Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?

I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.

want me to check your oil?

If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?

GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag