Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*first day in a Vegas poker tournament

Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet

{Police Job Interview}

Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.

Recruit: Why kill a kitten?

Captain: You’re hired.

When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.

Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.

[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”

Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …

when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves

My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”

For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.

“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”

I triple waxed for this?

Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.

Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.

Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.

My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.

In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”

I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”

19 y.o.: “What?”

Me: “I didn’t say anything.”

Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant

Passport photographer: No

I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?

a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it

A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.

[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers

Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.

Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.

Me, meeting anyone from instagram.

The three genders.

Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.

This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.

me:

professor x: yes, i can read minds

me:

professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one

(before ceiling fans were invented)

*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*

Narrator: There has to be a better way…

maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun

Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.

I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.

‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.

me: [playing musical chairs]

wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?

*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*

fava beans
a nice chianti
dave