you will never know the true number of layers
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What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
U talkin 2 me?
my mom making me talk to relatives
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”