Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.

Preserved fruit, that’s my jam

I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.

[AGM of potato mashers]

“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”

Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.

But… why can’t I use my teeth?

me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first

Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.

me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-

*elephant charges and runs me over*

me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles

*elephant trumpets*

*does hair and makeup*

*drives to the gym, takes selfie*

*leaves*

Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be

Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.

get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!

There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…

..Frying the bacon

Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.

No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.

*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?

if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.

it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me

a haunted house but in every room someone is asking you to say a little something about yourself

“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”

[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]

Me: this movie sucks

Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!

My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.

*Pikachu dies*

Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.

*ghostbusters arrive*

Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all

I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.

So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.

HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.