Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Carl: Perfect weather tonight.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.

Me: Fair enough.

Never ghost your hitman.

Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.

Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.

“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully

My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.

Well, boo-fucking-hoo.

Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*

Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.

[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall

me: how much for the cow bras?

salesperson: those are gloves

My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.

I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls

The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.

I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting

Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.

The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”

I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.

me: wheres the 13th floor?

builder: we skip it in all our buildings

me: what why

builder:

me:

builder: *embarrassed* too spooky

People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!

*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL

my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile

[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”

[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5

THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high

ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no

The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.

me: I’m looking for my wife

cop: can you describe her

me: she’s strong, independent..

cop: but what does she look like?

me: that’s not important

cop: it kinda is

My father (68, white, straight, male): “Hey, can you explain this bear in the woods thing to me? I don’t understand. Obviously, women would rather meet a random gay man in the woods. But why does he have to be a bear?”

I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.

I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.

*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!