Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.

Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.

I’m being attacked 😭

Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.

My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.

[at office Halloween party]

Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards

Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?

Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you

Cop ~ Get out

Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?

Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.

Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.

Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook

If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.

I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.

And that is why she will always be my favourite child.

[first day as a bank teller]

robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money

me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?

robber: let’s start with yours

me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal

Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!

Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.

Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery

Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”

[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]

Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful

It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone

Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow

That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!

snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it

Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?

I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.

Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.

Marriage.

I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest

NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?

Death certificates are our last participation award.

Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..

*dips cookie in barbecue sauce

I dunno why but this feels like a trap