Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.

Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting

If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.

There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug

Supermassive Black Hole
Or what others call pizza night

[relaxing in my hammock reading a book]

“Hey kids! We need to clean your rooms…come get me in 15 minutes.”

And that’s how you buy yourself a whole lotta peace and quiet😎

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”

“Yes!”

“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”

Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.

Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good

I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.

him: oh sorry I thought you worked here

me, in line at a haunted house: WOW

Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight

Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-

Date: aww

Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*

Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.

No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled

You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.

*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!

jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community

My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’

He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.

wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake

Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores

I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.

[moving day]

Me: Here we go. Bye house.

Husband: You forgot the kids.

Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.

That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.

ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: ready

ME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet

Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died

People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”

Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”

People: “No, not like that.”

Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”

People: “Wait…”

Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”

My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.

Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?

Windows Explorer: who knows lol