You wish you had this many chins.
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Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Me, in DM rooms…
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Match dot com, but for socks.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*