You wish you had this many chins.
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One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Heckling the flight attendant during the oxygen mask demo
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell